I was six years old and it was christmas morning.
I stayed up in anxiousness all christmas eve wondering what i was going to recieve this christmas.
So I wake up to my very high pitch alarm clock at 8:00AM .
First thing i did was go straight for the christmas tree to see what i got.
I arrive at the tree and im suprised and greeted with my first actual skateboard.
All i could do was stand on it and instantly I felt the skateboard become a big part of my life.
I was already outside riding it before anyone even woke up.
I was very happy and felt so much like it was never going to leave my side.
And it never did and never will. to this day that board is still sitting in my shed.
Skateboarding is always going to have its own spot in my brain and heart.
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Cody
ReplyDeleteYou need to add a little more detail in what your talking about. You have no details whatso ever..you should include other deatail about what you did before christmas eve. like how you wanted a skate board all your life and you had to wait till this next christmas to get it. Something like that. you alwo dont have any paragraphs so add that in also. Your word choice is alright but can be improved add description on what the board looked like or what you felt like. Also you need to add some voice into the story. I couldnt really tell that you were talking. However I liked your idea about the skateboard stuff but you just need to add MORE DETAIL and your paper witt be excellent.
Austin...
Hi Cody,
ReplyDeleteAustin has given you some good suggestions about adding in detail to give your paper more voice and life.
I would like to add to that, that you need to show why this is a coming of age. How did getting the skateboard change you in some way? How did your life change so that you were closer to adulthood as a result of this experience?
mrs s